Absurdist CHAFF: Issue 26

The last issue of CHAFF this year! Oh, I'm so glad. Oh, I'm so glad. I couldn't handle any more, and the last few issues have been so hard to get out with everything else I've been doing. I just haven't had the time; have had to put it off to do assignments; have had to put assignments off to get articles in at the absolute last minute possible.

1. Last week in history
(editor didn't have room for Issue 25's week, so I told him to just put it in this week and I'd have a week off)
2. Horoscopes
3. Feature article on NaNoWriMo
4. Movie review on The Edge of Love

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is that. Done. The end. Finit.

Until next year, when I have to decide if I still want to keep contributing, despite the fact that I'll no longer be at Massey... my editor seems to be assuming I'll keep contributing, and I'm loath to disappoint people's expectations of me.

But we'll see.

Children's CHAFF: Issue 24

Oh man, I rock. Oh man, I rock. Check me out in CHAFF this week:

1. Childish horoscopes
2. This week in history, covering R. L. Stine (author of the Goosebumps series); Orson Welles; Werner von Trapp; Louis XII and Mary Tudor; and a UFO sighting by some Ukrainian kids
3. Movie review of Eagle Eye
4. DVD review of Beauty and the Beast
5. Feature article on the origins of nursery rhymes

I don't think I've ever contributed so much to any single issue before (later: apparently I have). Five articles! Five! For anyone wondering, Women's CHAFF (aka "Fem-O") was pretty cool, and I'll try to scan the cover at some stage to put it on here; it was just so... woman's magazine-y.

Anyway, I think writing those five articles has sapped my strength to the degree that they'll be my last for the year; apart from my regular week-in-history and horoscope columns, of course. Also, the assignments are beginning to pile on thick and strong, and I need to start turning my attention to them — and then to exams!

So much to do... so little time. Still just hoping I pass all my papers....

Women's CHAFF: Issue 23

OK, I'm not actually sure if it's Women's CHAFF or Woman's CHAFF, but the result will be much the same: CHAFF for (and probably a bit about) ladies! I'm hoping this will be a really good/interesting CHAFF: there was a Man CHAFF last semester, which had things like the "Man-O" game with Testosterone cards, etc. Apparently there will be a Fem-O game this CHAFF, but thankfully William (the editor) and his exclusively male team didn't orchestrate it — William's girlfriend and her friend made it.

Anyway, on to my contributions to the team:

1. Girly horoscopes
2. This week in history, covering Jacqueline Pascal (Blaise Pascal's sister), Catherine Booth, two prostitutes killed and dismembered by Jack the Ripper, and the fishwives' march on Versailles
3. DVD review of Calendar Girls
4. Quiz: Are you a bee-yatch?

Having quizzes was my idea, since most girls' magazines I've seen have quizzes. Ang and I put our heads together and came up with some awesome questions, so you'll have to take the quiz to see if you are a bee-yatch. And William, inspired, made his own quiz too: Are you a woman?

Nihilist CHAFF: Issue 20

Coming up next week in everyone's favourite Palmerston North student newspaper (unless you prefer the UCOL one):

1. Nietzchey horoscopes
2. This week in history on Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya, circus elephants, Tolkien vs. Lewis, women's suffrage in New Zealand (and why we were not, after all, the first country to give women the vote), and Napoleon's invasion of Moscow.
3. Six Pack review — have you bought YOUR copy yet?

All exciting stuff, and if you haven't bought your copy of the Six Pack Three yet, then go do it now! And then read my review of it and see if you agree.

Off to write more articles now! I'm such a willing slave.

Diversity CHAFF: Issue 19

Drumroll please for the upcoming instalment of CHAFF:

1. Diverse horoscopes
2. Ye diuerse olde weeke in historie — Elizabeth Stuart, Elizabeth Báthory and Nessie
3. An incredibly dull article on the Six Pack Three (Update: This ended up being moved to Issue 20)

This will be the last issue before semester break, which means two weeks' break from CHAFF while I haphazardly attempt to complete my four upcoming assignments before semester break, when I'll be visiting my parents and coming back to do contact courses, more assignments and of course more CHAFF articles! Lucky me.

Olympics CHAFF: Issue 18

To celebrate the Olympics, of course we had to have an Olympics-themed CHAFF at some stage:

1. This week in history — Hulk Hogan, Pat O'Connor, Pee Wee Reese, Billy Fiske, and the Olympics 1936 (the year of Hitler and Jesse Owens) and 1964 (the year without South Africa due to apartheid)
2. Sportsy horoscopes
3. Possibly a movie review of Forgetting Sarah Marshall (although that might be in next issue, I don't know what my editor's doing)

So, good times. I kinda feel like I haven't done much for this issue of CHAFF, although I may or may not have another DVD review and feature article in Issue 19, depending on how sorry I feel for my editor and how much time I have. I've been so exhausted and busy lately — I'm really trying to complete my monthly goals this month, as well as going to the gym, staying awake during lectures, and contemplating my five upcoming assignments. Nervous breakdown, here I come!

Although I haven't really been particularly stressed. Just very, very busy.

Unthemed CHAFF: Issue 17

Coming up this exciting week in CHAFF:

1. This week in history — Percy Bysshe Shelley, Marilyn Monroe, the Tower of Pisa, John Walsh and Sultan Qaboos of Oman
2. Abecedarian, periphrastic and verbose horoscopes
3. Unmissable feature article on the unintentional cruelty of vegetarians and the self-awareness of plants
4. A free competition where you (yes you) can win a free copy of the Six Pack Two! Watch this space for more details. (OK, I didn't write the competition, but it was my idea so hopefully it doesn't utterly fail... you can help by entering the competition!)

And no, there's no theme for the upcoming week's CHAFF. Which reminds me, I was leaving the CHAFF office earlier today and almost bumped into a woman dressed all in black Muslim clothing... I'm pretty sure she was the girl who wrote me that letter, and I'm just happy she couldn't know who I was! (Although my editor, the traitorous scum, probably immediately told her. Oh well — I was out of shouting distance by then.)

Trouble in paradise

I just got a letter to the editor about an article by yours truly (OK, my editor got it, but he forwarded it to me so I could read and reply).

In my "happy" feature article in CHAFF this week, I mentioned women's education as a good thing we have going for us in New Zealand, compared to "some fundamentalist Muslim countries" where they've only recently "started to let women attend tertiary study"; and where women have to obtain higher marks than men to get into college. This was based on knowledge from my dad teaching in Oman this year; however, one Muslim woman who read CHAFF was not impressed, and wrote to say as much.

I was quite shocked — mostly shocked that someone had actually read the article, even if it's someone that usually avoids CHAFF "due to its general swearing and unsavoury topics". CHAFF usually has very little swearing in it, by the way; having said that, this comment intrigued my editor and he's now planning to write a feature article next week on the F word. Good-oh.

But it's never nice to receive a letter attacking the two lines in my 1300-word article which were not positive, and I was a little shell-shocked.

I checked my facts tonight, rang up my dad and confirmed some details; he pointed me in the direction of a few official websites I could look at, and I found some articles on various Islamic websites which backed up everything this woman had criticised in my article.

So now I'm left feeling quite happy — sure, my article offended someone, but sooner or later you're bound to offend, and I don't think the article in question was offensively phrased; it just touched a sore spot. My article was attacked, and stood up to examination; that makes me feel good.

At least until next week, if the woman decides to reply to my reply....

Six Pack

I withdrew from a paper today, having decided six papers were probably a bit much for my workload. I feel like I should feel bad for having withdrawn, but I don't — I just reassessed my commitments this semester (my job, two regular columns, friends, Dan and housework on top of study). I could do it, but it doesn't look as interesting as I'd hoped, and it's only an additional paper anyway — I don't need it to complete my degree.

So I just gifted myself two extra hours a week, and took away an exam! My only annoyance is that I've already bought the textbook, so will have to onsell it at a loss — but if I've cost myself some money with the textbook, at least I'm saving myself $500ish for withdrawing!

In bookish news, the Six Pack Three is coming up in just over a month (click here if you don't know what that is). Not only am I writing an article for CHAFF to promote it, but I talked to my editor today and he agreed to run a weekly competition until then, giving away a copy of the Six Pack Two each week as a sort of lead-up to raise awareness of the Six Pack.

That's not the exciting part, though. The exciting part is that, in mentioning it to Dee from NZ Book Month, I jokingly suggested she give me a sneak preview of the Six Pack Three so I could review it in advance for CHAFF... and she's considering it! Very few people know at the moment who any of the winners will be, much less who won the reader's choice story; and I love any opportunity to get a sneak preview.

The Six Pack is a fantastic idea, helping NZ writers, promoting NZ readers reading NZ writers, raising the profile of reading in New Zealand — I'm so proud to be able to contribute my mite to helping their cause. But a sneak preview! That suggestion made it all worthwhile already.

Happy/Angry CHAFF: Issue 15

I've decided I like giving little previews of the upcoming week's CHAFF, so, again, we present articles this week by yours truly:

1. This week in history (Pee Wee Reese, Peter Sellers and Black July)
2. Horoscopes
3. Feature: An angry rant on youth culture in New Zealand
4. Feature: A happy tribute to youth culture in New Zealand

And that may seem like less than last week, but trust me: my angry rant is a 2160-word-long double-page feature article. It is not less work than last week. Especially, I suspect, to read.

Monster CHAFF: Issue 14

Wow, I don't feel I've really written much for the upcoming CHAFF issue (Massey and CHAFF both start back Monday), but looking at the content I've written for Issue 14:

1. This week in history — my (old) regular column
2. Horoscopes — my new regular column
3. Article on Writers Read
4. Movie review — Hancock
5. DVD review — Becoming Jane

I don't think I'm doing so badly after all. I'm also working on a couple of feature articles for the following week, so you might start seeing a bit more of me in CHAFF.

I'm going to try to be more involved in CHAFF this semester. I worry about my chances, since I am doing 6 papers instead of the recommended 3-4; but I'm going to try and be organised (ha!) and do articles and assignments ahead of time.

At least one thing's for sure — this semester will be challenging.

Writing

Well, to continue the Chaffy news, I do now officially have a Regular Column for Chaff. Which also means I'm on my way to completing that task — two down, ten to go. Kinda sucks, since there aren't ten weeks left of the Massey year, but that's OK... I'll just finish it next year. I've made a start, which is the important thing. Or the first important thing, anyway.

The only problem, in fact, that I'm having with the column so far (I know, second week and already I'm having issues!) is that I'm not serious enough. Chaff, being a student magazine, is pretty much full of juvenile crap and retarded humour. I'm writing this column with a view to learning how to do it "properly" in case I ever want a job as a reporter, kind of a preparatory thing, learning experience, all that good stuff. And so my poor editor is going through and inserting silly jokes at random places in the column — which sucks for him to have to do that, and sucks for me to see my column thus maligned! So this week I had to try to turn perfectly serious subjects into causes for ridicule and juvenile humour. Ugh, it's hard.

And on that note, I totally sold myself out this week. I have an assignment due on Monday — a travel writing story — which we had to do a draft for and then the final thing. So I wrote the draft, we workshopped it in class, and people reckoned I was too harsh on Sarah, a character who was a complete bitch and quite stupid in real life. So I rewrote the story, and portrayed Sarah in the light of something approaching angelic — I showed a couple of my classmates the rewritten story, and they much approved. I showed Dan the rewritten story, and he read it without comment.

"I kinda sold myself out, didn't I," I said shame-facedly. He just looked at me.

"Yeah, you really did."

Damn it. Oh well, hopefully my lecturer likes it more now. I care more about getting good grades than keeping the story true to life and true to what I wanted to show. I did consider changing my story to show why I thought she was such a bitch, but it would have taken a lot more words and I was way over the word limit anyway. Ah well.

In other writing news, it's that time of year again! NaNoWriMo is now a bare month away, and foolishly as usual I signed up to be ML for Palmy again. I've already asked my editor if I can write a feature article on NaNoWriMo — he's more than happy — but I still need to write to "real" newspapers and see if I can get a bit more publicity than we achieved last year.

I wonder if we could get NZ Book Month to promote it? Damn, probably a bit late for that now, considering NZ Book Month (3-30 Sept) finishes on Sunday. Still, that's an idea for next year. We'll see.

But on that note, if you haven't bought the Six Pack Two, go buy it now! Currently Number One on the bestsellers list in New Zealand, available from all major bookshops, and best of all it's only six dollars for six excellent short stories from six up-and-coming New Zealand writers — some unheard-of, some well-known, but the point is you're supporting New Zealand talent and writers for six measly dollars.

Disclaimer: I haven't actually bought it myself yet, but I do hear the stories are excellent — better than last year's one. Plus I haven't heard of any of the writers previously so I'm not actually sure if any of them are well-known. Although I'm pretty sure Dave Armstrong is.

But I can tell you that (a) it definitely is six dollars, (b) it definitely is numero uno on the bestsellers list, and (c) it definitely is supporting new New Zealand writers. Those are the key factors, so go buy it now! (I will buy it, I just have no money right at the moment. No, not even $6. But I'm gonna buy it when I do!)

Chaff

I don't think I've mentioned this previously; Chaff is the Massey student magazine, and a few weeks ago I walked nervously into the Chaff office to offer the editor my literary services.

We decided that I'll start slow by doing the occasional movie review; so a couple weeks ago, armed with a complimentary double pass, Shaz and I marched off to a screening of Shooter, which I subsequently wrote a review of and rather tentatively sent it in.

Yesterday, I eagerly grabbed my copy of Chaff and looked inside the front page. List of contributors: My name amongst the gloried others. Thumbing through the pages, and there it is: My movie review, with a few shots of the movie, and my name in small bold letters at the end.

It's not pride I feel; Chaff were pretty desperate for new blood, so far as I can tell; and it wasn't a particularly well-written review. But seeing my name in print — it's a good feeling. This is something I've wanted to do for a while, and now I'm doing it. Even if I just start with the occasional movie review — that's fine. Building my way up. Start small. Et cetera.

And on the bus home, seeing four or five students on my bus flipping through their copies of Chaff, I strain my neck to see which page they're on... and earlier, at my tutorial, seeing one guy actually reading the first couple of paragraphs of my review, and then the last paragraph, before flipping on to another page. I don't like that guy, and I think it's pretty rude to openly read a magazine in full view of your tutor... but still.

Today, I sent Chaff another piece: a feature article on Script Frenzy. Big step; I'm quite nervous. And the editor hasn't replied yet, so I don't know what he thinks of it.

I'm hoping it'll get some students interested in Script Frenzy; it'd be nice to have an advance on our current total of eleven NZ members. Writing the article started as me just trying to interest potential participants; but now I'm more excited about my article as an article. As me, Ruth, getting an unpaid feature article in a (frankly) quite retarded student magazine.

But — a feature article! *squeaks* Me!