I'll tell you a secret

I'll tell you a secret: I wish I could be Christian.

I wish I knew there was a god out there. I wish I thought there was life after death. I wish there was some cosmic plan out there, a being looking after us all, some sense of right and wrong in the world. I wish there was some hope, some eternal scheme for this world, some purpose in us all being here. I wish there really was a god who listened to me and cared about me and loved me no matter what, even if I don't feel the need for one. But it would be nice, to think there was a god like that out there. It's a nice fantasy, I think.

I'll tell you a secret: I wouldn't want to be a Christian.

I'd struggle with the restrictions, the theological contradictions, the hypocrisy of modern Christians, the corruption of the church. I'd feel guilty, because as a Christian you're more aware of "sin" you commit, and I'd worry and stress out about everything I did wrong, always feeling I didn't measure up, even though part of the point of Christianity is that you don't need to measure up. If I'm to be honest, when I was a Christian I was emotionally pretty screwed up, and I hated myself for always feeling I didn't measure up to the Bible's standards. I wouldn't want to live according to the Bible's ethics and morals instead of mine. I wouldn't know how to talk to people, whether to talk about it and be condemned by everyone as a freak and a traditional, backwards-thinking fundamentalist, or to not say anything and feel I'm betraying what I believe in.

I'll tell you a secret: I don't think I'm being contradictory. Not at all.

I'm just being human.