Self-esteem

I'm feeling really depressed right now.

I just wrote a really mean email to a friend — I felt I had dealt with enough crap from this friend, and wrote her an email to express my feelings.

Feeling depressed, I went to fix myself a snack, and fed my cats some cheese, which of course they love. As I watched them, I felt a bit happier; that's when I wondered if my own happiness is related to how nice I am.

I've always tried to be a nice person. Happiness probably depends on self-esteem to an extent: if you think you're pretty cool, you're likelier to be happy; if you think you suck, you're less likely to be happy. I guess I'm talking about being internally happy/unhappy with yourself, as opposed to being happy/unhappy because of something that's happened to you.

That's when I realised how much I do — the charities I sponsor, the time I spend helping CHAFF and promoting things like the Six Pack, basically running myself dry. I try to be as nice a person as I can to everyone, even people I don't like (except for telemarketers). But is this some weird subconscious way of making myself feel better about who I am?

My worst memory isn't anything that anyone else did to me — it was something I did, years ago, which ended up hurting a person I love. I feel horrible, hateful, whenever I remember it.

Should being mean to someone — in a non-angry, non-bitchy, truthful way — depress me?

I don't know.